Barry's Christmas Charity Appeal

From the Desk of Barry Crimmins

Trusted friends,

Christmastime is always special for Americans. It means going home, exchanging presents, singing carols and engorging ourselves with food and drink in an attempt to swallow rage provoked by unresolved childhood issues. But one great American, Bob Hope, gave up all this so that he could entertain our patriotic yet unwitting sons and daughters who were serving their country by leaving it.

Nowadays Christmas is a little less Christmasy without Bob Hope packing them into a theater of war.

Starting in World War II, when Hope began his U.S.O. tours by entertaining American troops fighting fascism and then later in Vietnam, when Americans had switched sides, the daffy quipster delighted generations of common foot soldiers with his all-star revues -- unless, of course, they wanted to see a decent soul act. In the process Bob missed Christmas after Christmas at home. Oh sure, Delores didn't know some of the tricks the Saigon "hostesses" did but that doesn't mean Bob wouldn't have loved to give her his trademark "grrrrrr" under the mistletoe.

Who among us didn't grow up thinking war must me a pretty fun thing? Well we have nobody but Bob Hope and his delightful NBC holiday specials to thank for that remarkable mass delusion. How many Americans paid the ultimate cover charge to see Bob tell jokes even older than he is? How many wouldn't have been sucked in in the first place were it not for Bob? To quote Mark Twain, "No wisdom can guess."

But now Christmas comes and even with American troops sprinkled liberally around the globe, Bob is simply too old to entertain anyone. Outside of a visit from Nancy Reagan, who will bring a gift of one of Ronnie's personal Tiffany drool cups, complete with a presidential seal, not many people will think of this great American at the very holidays he made synonymous with blind support for a foreign policy even crazier than Jerry Colonna.

That Bob still walks this earth is only due to a loophole in a deal he inked with Satan back in his vaudeville days. Otherwise he'd be deader than any number of wild animals he drove from their natural habitats with his voracious desire to build golf courses. So Bob lives on, sort of. Anyone who has been in a supermarket checkout line has seen his horrible visage in the tabloids. Deaf, bleeding from blind eyes, skin literally mummifying in front of the camera's merciless gaze, there's Old Ski-nose, decomposing yet undead. Is this any way for us to thank Bob for the memories?

The Committee To Have Bob Hope Declared Legally Dead doesn't think so. That's why we ask that during this holiday season when our canvassers ring your doorbell you give generously so that our lawyers can help Bob reach the state of technical immortality.

Through your generous contributions we can see to it that Bob can finally join Bing in the ultimate"Road" picture. More important it will spare us of any possibility that Bob's latest project- a sitcom based on the Picture of Dorian Gray (it's a switch, the picture grows more handsome as Bob shrivels) will never be made.

Not just Bob would benefit from this long overdue declaration. His time as a useful functioning human is over but until he is declared legally dead countless younger entertainers cannot fully wrap their tired careers in the flag while it is still epoxied tightly to the ancient jokester. So it's not just Bob who will benefit from this long overdue legal ruling, talents as diverse as Gallagher, Carrot Top and Paulie Shore could stand to gain as well. Until Bob's remains are no longer obstructing the path to our nationalistic heart, there's just no telling who has the greatest propensity for jingoistic repartee'.

So let's deliver a multi-purpose wreath to the Hope mansion this Christmas as we send Bob "all the way home" for the holidays. The Committee To Have Bob Hope Declared Legally Dead knows the only proper way to thank Bob for the memories is to make him one.

Wishing you a blessed season,

Barry Crimmins

Honorary Chairman - Committee to Have Bob Hope Declared Legally Dead

PS- See you at the Bob Hope MEMORIAL Desert Classic Golf Tournament next year!